Ranting about carers (guess which one?!) again

This diary is still a work in progress, think i mentioned this before but worth mentioning again anyways.

i just jumped really badly and am pretty surprised my legs didn't spasm. the guys next door have to go past my window to get into their flat and some little bastard started really banging on my window. they do it because they think its gonna get the attention of some girl who's going to be really into them as soon as she sets eyes on them. they don't realise that i am fat and bi and that if that wasn't enough of a put off i'm also disabled!

Anyways that really was me going off an a tangent from what i planned to write about...

I don't like Amy, one of my carers, mentioned that earlier. Just had a long chat to Trudi about it and she gave me some good advice like always (that girl is such a ***STAR***, she has helped me so much), but the thing is that i can't seem to overcome the two main blocks (or maybe there are three main blocks, will write it out and see what i come up with)

The main block is that i had just begun to accept that i was not going to get a regular volunteer carer and had finally organised the cover carers into a regular rota meaning i had two that i got on really well with and then once a fortnight this other woman did one morning. I miss Anita and Nitu a lot and wish that they (especially Nitu) were still working with me. I was asked if i would mind her working with me, if i thought we would get on and as i knew that i would have to get a volunteer at some point and the whole reason i didn't want to was because i didn't want to change which the office weren't going to accept, i said i would try it for a fortnight then see. but no-one has checked since to see how its going.

the second is how well i get on with Trud and the fact that i've gotten into such a routine of only going out with her and seeing as how we are clique-y and all she must (as T said) feel a bit left out but habits are a hard thing to break and everytime i tried i ended up feeling like i never should've bothered. like i had thought that i would keep doing things like food shopping with Trudi just coz we've gotten to the stage now that we both always run out of food at the same time, she knows what i buy so she can remind me if i forget stuff (big help, that)and (this is a reason for a lot of stuff) she can tell when i'm struggling and need more help but aren't saying. but then i went to asda with amy and jen and took my walker and nearly collapsed again (i think Trudi has come to the conclusion that if i'm walking we can't go there as its too big)and neither of them seemed to realise how much i was struggling and seemed to be more interested on trying on clothes and not paying too much attention to me! I could've just said, but it makes me feel even more helpless when i have to make a big deal out of needing extra help, and i find that really hard with her just because i find her hard to talk too.

The third reason is she does do some stuff that i wish she wouldn't but because i find her hard to talk to i don't tell her coz i'm frightened of making her angry (not that i think she would, sure she wouldn't in fact, but you know...) like the other day when she was working i was coming on here to do some work (not that i did any, but...) so i said she could leave for three hours. the idea is they stay on this side of campus or just pop to the shop just off campus because officially they are still working and i can call them if something happens like if i fell out of my chair so i'm there thinking shes gone home or to the computer room or summat and she comes back and is all "we went to hanley and jen bought me a ring and a t-shirt" and hanleys about forty minutes walk (well probably less, took that long with me in my chair)

i have to stop ranting and go to bed before i undo all the good this rest has done me

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