what the fuck am i going to do?

i have been putting off writing this. i've known this since thursday but i haven't been wanting to think about it and to be honest i'm not sure i want to think it all thru and write about it now so this might get cut off half way thru but never mind!

I saw the OTs on wednesday, good stuff, they totally agreed with everything i said which hopefully should mean there report will help me kick the asses of the two evil bitches which is something it seriously looks like i'm gonna need to do...

24 hour support is not going to be available for me in september.

thats just fucking fantastic, i know i have managed this summer with so little care and managed well but thats not the point.

i wanted to have the 24 hour on call assistance again and just leave it as that - on call. so i could and would manage as independently as i could but call them for the little things, the things that so greatly improve my quality of life, the things i have been desperate for this summer. like being able to go to the union or to go out for the day other then to hanley. to have hot water bottles late at night when its cold or when i'm in pain.

i'm gonna end up dropping out or doing something stupid by Christmas i can feel it.

I just tried to talk to Rachel about all of this when i phoned her to see how her holiday was and she didn't get it and tried to tell me that the ways i've been thinking might allow me to have some sembalance of a normal life (but not a normal students life, thats not something a disabled person should have, obviously) wouldn't work and that i won't get as much academic support as i think i will. so yeah, cheers hon. i've blocked almost all of my contact list because i can't be doing with talking to people with cp, and people who don't get stuff.

and i'm so fucking scared and almost crying as i write this but the people who would understand and who could hug me and make me feel better aren't here, their miles and miles away and aren't going to be here for a hell of a long time.

<<< -- >>>